“Loneliness kills. It’s as powerful as smoking or alcoholism.”
Robert Waldinger, psychiatrist, Massachusetts General Hospital
Are you living?
or
Are you surviving?
What is the quality of life that you’re living, and what determines the quality of life you have?
An 85 year old study done out of Harvard University known as “The Study of Adult Development” is one of the longest running studies on happiness.
The study followed over 700 men from their teenage years into their now 90’s (with only 60 left as of 2017).
The group consisted of men from a wide variety of economic & social backgrounds from Boston's most affluent to their poorest neighborhoods, some even being Harvard graduates.
The study found this specific “key” to a happy life is:
“ Having good social fitness & maintaining healthy relationships”.
Social fitness, you say?
Yes, this goes back to the article I wrote “Levers of health” and how our social & relational health also play a large role in our overall
As human beings, we would like to think we can provide absolutely everything we need of ourselves (and maybe some of us can), but, we don’t have to.
We can rely on others to interact with who we can help, and who can also help us.
“If you want to go fast, go alone, if you want to go far, go together”.
African Proverb – Martha Goedert
But, how do we assess our relationships to make sure they’re (Somewhat) mutually beneficial and balanced ?
Here’s a breakdown of sub categories that will make you think of certain people in your life, and bring a smile to your face, while also, potentially make you think of people who may no longer be a part of your life.
Ask yourself who fits into the sub categories below for yourself:
1) Security & Backup Plan:
In unexpected & startling moments that jerk you awake at 3am, whose number is on your speed dial?
Ask yourself, who are your life anchors?
2) Championing Your Growth:
Who stands beside you to:
Urge you to leap higher
Reach for your ambitions
Carve out the life you envision?
3. Emotional support network:
Who had the privilege of really knowing you? (Warts & all)
When the weight of the world presses down on you, who can you offload that to without the fear of judgement?
4. Bonding through shared battles:
Is there someone who’s been in the trenches with you who’s helped you cement who you are today through shared victories & trials?
5. Feeling the Romantic Fire:
Are you getting enough of the romance that makes life sparkle?
Does that romance fuel both your heart and your mind?
6. Solving the Puzzles Together:
When faced with a conundrum, who’s your consigliere that you can refer to, for help navigate a situation from an unfiltered view?
7. Joy & Downtime:
Who’s your partner in crime for the moments that require nothing but laughter?
Is this person someone you’d spontaneously go on an adventure with?
Does this person help you make sure that life is an equal balance of work & play?
- So, who were the people you thought of?
- Who were once on the list, but maybe no longer are?
- Was there the same name more than once (if so, that’s totally normal)?
These are all questions to consider regarding the people who are in your life, the role they fulfill & the place they hold in sequence with others around you.
It’s not to say that everyone relationship has to have an obvious & beneficial relationship to you, or else it’s not worth your time or effort.
But when it comes to “happiness” & feeling like your life is being fulfilled it is important to know that your time & effort is:
- Valued
- Appreciated
- Reciprocated
To make sure that the relationship is thriving from both sides, and that you’re doing whatever you can, from your side for it to succeed.
We don’t have to go at it alone.
In the Security & backup plan I referred to “anchors” in your life.
There are anchors that are grounding you in a beneficial way.
But, there are also anchors that are holding you in place, impeding your ability to grow.
Sometimes, the people who have gotten you to where you want to be, aren’t necessarily the people who will get you to where you want to go.
It is our responsibility to try & bring those people forward with us, but by encouragement & education, not by force.
I personally feel that the word “boundaries” gets thrown around a lot, but also can have a negative connotation to it.
Placing boundaries on a relationship is what is needed most to make sure the relationship can still exist, without needing to end it completely.
“Boundaries are, in simple terms, the recognition of personal space.”
― Asa Don Brown,
Fortunately, with modern day technology, we have the ability to stay well connected to those who we may not be able to connect with due to geographical limitations.
Dr. Waldinger cited that the study also identified a strong association between happiness and & close relationships.
“Personal connection created mental & emotional stimulation which are automatic mood boosters, while isolation is a mood buster”
So, who were the people that came to mind when you read the sub categories of individuals in your life?
Who are your mood boosters, and who are your mood busters?
When was the last time you spoke to the people who did?
Maybe today, and this post is the reason why you reach out, and reminisce on not only good times, but also look forward to planning more ahead.
Get creative here, use tools like:
Facebook
Instagram
Linkedin
Twitter
& search the name of a friend you had that memory with, and see if their face shows up, and if you find them, reach out to that person.
If this made you think of them in a positive light, I’m sure they would be happy to hear from you, too.
- Santo.
Robert Waldinger is Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, Director of the Center for Psychodynamic Therapy and Research at Massachusetts General Hospital, and Director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development.